A Season's Changing

Riding on the Wind

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." ~Phyllis Diller
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I used to have this bio that reflected a lot of the beliefs that I had a few years back. Beliefs that ultimately reflected who I thought I was supposed to be. Events in my life led me to seriously question where I got the ideas regarding who I was supposed to be and whether or not they actually fit who I was and who I wanted to be. Turns out, a lot of that shit was just plain garbage that had nothing to do with ME. So, here I am, nearly 35, about to be both divorced once and married twice. I have three beautiful children, ages 11, 8, and 6 years old, who bring me joy, stress, and growth on a daily basis. My fiance is my hero and my friend, as well as a damn fine lover. These are things that, at one point in my life, I saw as my entire identity. No longer. My identity is certainly enriched by these people and I honestly cannot imagine my life without their bright and shining lights in it. But they aren't who I am. I am a dreamer, a wanderer and a person who thirsts for knowledge. I am an artist and a scientist. I am a strong-willed woman at the same time as a weak-willed child. I am full of wonder and anxiety, at constant odds with myself. I want to grow and achieve while somehow staying curled up on the couch with a good Netflix lineup. I love to sing and dance but I'm shy and worry way too much what people think when they look at me. I am a student and so excited to be so.

This period in my life is about my own discovery of myself. Who am I and what do I want? Where am I going? I'm excited to find out and relieved to no longer be bound by the requirements and expectations of the world around me. Today I stand on my own two feet and while my steps forward may be tentative, fraught with tripping and quaking knees, they are MY steps going in directions that I choose. Every day that I wake up, I am reminded that I have choices, that I am blessed and that I am not alone. I am happy.